Something Important

Dear Readers,

There's something important that I need to talk to you about.

It's not that Michael and I don't love each other. We just can't write the "blog" together anymore. The most important thing for you to know is that we both love you very much, and we're going to try to make this transition as easy as possible. We know it's important for you to read both of your bloggers, so Michael will get his own blog, and you can read it every other weekend. I know this all seems strange right now, and you have every right to be upset, but we're still a family, and I promise we're going to make this work.

And one other thing.
Maya Dentity will be writing some posts for the "blog" now. He's not trying to replace Michael; he knows that no one could ever replace Michael in your lives, but he hopes that you will find a new place in your hearts for him. Maya is an important person to me, and even though things are confusing right now, I hope you can at least give him a chance.

I think this talk went really well, and you can ask me if you have any questions. I love you guys, and no matter what happens, we're going to stick together. Just without Michael.

My NaNo

I've narrowed down my list of possible NaNos to Wri for NaNoWriMo. The three finalists are...

1) 'Shrek 4,' a screenplay for the exciting new installment in which Fiona is sentenced to death by lethal injection for performing inhumane experiments on Puss-n-Boots in the name of theoretical physics, and Donkey sings a snappy tune called 'I Have Mixed Feelings about the Teleological Suspension of the Ethical.'

2) 'The Pirate's Wench,' a postmodern choose-your-own-adventure romance.

3) 'Gossip and Lies,' an annotated Venn diagram, based on a sixteen-year-old girl's disillusioning but fashion-conscious experience of being popular at prep school.

Help me complete step 1 of Operation Harpoon by posting a comment to vote on your favorite NaNo.

November

As I'm sure you are all aware, November is National Talk Like a Robot Month. I don't know anything about that. I don't intend to talk like a robot during the month of November or any other month, and I don't understand what would compel others to do so; National Talk Like a Robot Month does not even have a pronounceable acronym.

More importantly, November is also NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). My previous encounters with NaNoWriMo have not been what one might call fulfilling; Two years ago, I wrote an interesting absurdist play but failed to complete my 50,000 words. Last year, I didn't even try.

This year, however, things are going to be different. I may never have a law school diploma hanging on the wall of my office, but I'm damn well going to settle for having a NaNoWriMo certificate of novel-completion taped to the inside of my cardboard box.

In order to ensure that I accomplish my goal this year, I have scientifically developed a plan for success, which I am sharing with you, my loyal readers, in the hope that your novels too may benefit from my wisdom:

1) Find a story.
2) Find characters.
3) Hunt the certificate to the ends of the earth and harpoon it until it spouts black blood and rolls fin out.

I hope you find it helpful. NaNoWriMo starts at midnight, so good luck!

And the Winner is...

John Uhr!
Congratulations, John. You correctly answered the "blog's" LSAT practice question. Please accept this gold star as a symbol of our highest regard.
You have now joined the ranks of "Blog" Readers of the First Order, or "B"RFO, and the "blog" staff would like to remind you that with great power comes great responsibility.
Nice work, John... And for those of you who did not win, stay tuned for more opportunities to earn gold stars and join "B"RFO.

* * *

In other news, I found a book in the Library called "The Unpublished Works of Friedrich Nietzsche." Is the title implying that the book's existence precedes its essence by alluding to Sartre's notion of being what it is not and not being what it is, or does someone need to buy the Stanford University Press a dictionary?

A Note To Firtsies Everywhere:

Kissing in a library is exactly the same as smacking someone's ass in a church. Just keep that in mind.

Because the "Blog" isn't Emo Enough Already...

I know I said I was going to let y'all know what my LSAT practice test score was when I got it, but I just don't want to talk about it right now, so deal. I'll be crying in my room, if anyone needs me, which I'm sure they won't, because I don't have any friends, because I can't do logic.

New Rule

People who answer the questions anonymously are automatically disqualified to receive special smiley faces, gold stars, and any other "blog" prizes that the "blog" awards to readers, defined as people who read the "blog" and also have names.

The Real-World Applications of Existentialism

I took a practice LSAT yesterday. Four hours of trying to answer illogical questions with logic. Being a Philosophy professor is looking better every day. The highlight of the test, however, was a question I'd like to share with you:

If human beings attempt to understand their lives, then they will be faced with certain unanswerable questions. That will lead them to admit the uncertainty underlying all things. If they make that admission, they will conclude that their lives are necessarily without meaning. Thus, if human beings attempt to understand their lives, they will conclude that their lives are without meaning.

Which of the following uses reasoning most similar to that used in the argument above?

(A) If people believe that their lives are meaningful, they must admit that life itself has a discernible purpose, and thus that life itself can be understood. If people believe that life can be understood, they will never give up trying to understand their lives. As a result, if people believe that their lives are meaningful, they will never give up trying to understand their lives.

(B) If human beings attempt to answer unanswerable questions, they will be faced with a decision between admitting that their understanding is limited or that the world is unknowable. If they decide the former, they must admit that their lives are meaningless; if the latter, that the world is meaningless.

(C) Because human beings attempt to understand their lives, they ask themselves unanswerable questions. Because they ask themselves unanswerable questions, they conclude that the world in unknowable and therefore meaningless. Thus human beings should not attempt to understand their lives.

(D) If human beings attempt to understand that which is incomprehensible, they will have to admit defeat. If they admit defeat, they will soon regard their lives as meaningless. If they regard their lives as meaningless, they will no longer attempt to understand that which is incomprehensible. Therefore it is impossible to attempt to understand that which is incomprehensible.

(E) Whenever people attempt to find meaning in their lives, they ask unanswerable questions. When they ask unanswerable questions, they must provide themselves with false answers. False answers, therefore are incompatible with the attempt to find meaning in life.

You have 30 seconds to pick your answer. Post it as a comment, and I'll let you know if you got it right. The first person to correctly answer the question will get a special "blog" smiley face!

Tune in later tonight to find out how I did on the practice LSAT (but don't get your hopes up).

Quotes

Just a few things I've said that I want written down after I die:

• "Happy Halloween: The only day that scaring the crap out of small children is socially acceptable."
• "Take a picture of a teenager and you've created a memory. Give a teenager a camera and the internet will never be the same again."
• "Everybody smile, it's the end of the world."
• "Taco Bell is basically dog food"

More to come soon.

A Real Live Philosophy Major

Avid readers of the "blog" have surely noticed by now that the word 'prospective' has disappeared from the 'about me' section of my "blog" profile. That, darling readers, is because I am no longer a prospective Philosophy major. As of about an hour ago, I am a real-life, bona fide, honest-to-goodness Philosophy major.

I signed a piece of paper, and the chair of the Philosophy department signed the piece of paper. Then he said "welcome to the department." Years from now, when I'm begging for spare change on the corner of 44th and Colfax, I will look back on this moment and say in a loud, slurred voice "Why didn't I stick with English?"

But seriously, guys, this is exciting news. It might even call for a new "blog" holiday. We'll call it Philosophy Day, and it will happen on the penultimate Monday of each month. Each Philosophy Day of the year will have it's own Philosophy major, whom we will all toast simultaneously at 10:15 AM (8:15 AM if you happen to live in Colorado) with vodka shots.

The October Philosophy Day will obviously be dedicated to me, so quick get out your novelty shot glasses, comrades, you're already late!

Just a Good Ol' Boy

I took off my orange baseball cap, even though it said "Just a good ol' boy" on it, and looking at myself in the side-view mirror, with tendrils of yellow hair curling around my face like the tentacles of a manic but sexy octopus, I should have been Botticelli's model.
Then I put my hat back on.
It didn't belong to me, and that's just the way things were back then in Vermont. We contemplated Wild Raisins and interpreted Interrupted Ferns, and everything belonged to us, even if it didn't, because we were intellectuals, and stealing isn't wrong when you're a noncognitivist.

Ode to Vermont

O Vermont, if I knew your state song,

I would sing it at the top of my lungs,
And if I also happened to have a moose,
I would sing your song to it, possibly in tongues.

Eighty-five percent of your economy is B&Bs,
And I would also present the moose with peonies,
But most of all I love the other fifteen percent
Which is roadside maple syrup stands,
often ones not made out of cement.

When I'm in you I don't have to wear clothes,
Because your citizens like to sunbathe topless and doze.
If you seceded from the union, not many people would mind,
But I don't care that you're a Birkenstock-wearing pinko commie state,
Because you like the Red Sox,
And I don't know anything about baseball,
But I still think you're OK, Vermont.

Dragons and Giants

Today was my first day of teaching philosophy to my group of ten second graders at an elementary school in Springfield. I read them "Dragons and Giants," the Frog and Toad story about how one goes about being brave.

I asked them some questions like "Is there a certain way people look when they're being brave?" I got answers like "you look tall", "you look mad", and "You look like you aren't scared." Then I asked them "Do you think that you can still be brave, even if you're scared?" They all yelled out their opinions, but no one could come up with an example, so I asked them "What's something you've done that you think is brave?"

The boy sitting on my right had a large, jagged scar running down the middle of his forehead. He raised his hand and said "When this man I know hit me in the face with a bottle, I pulled the pieces of glass out of my own head and didn't cry." Most of the kids had similar stories that they wanted to tell, and our discussion of the philosophical issues didn't get much farther.

Much as I hate to admit it, there are some problems philosophy can't solve.

This is what "Blogs" are for:

What if Schrödinger's cat and Pavlov's dog had a baby? We could call it Schrödlov's mouseketeer and give it its own reality show on C-SPAN2!

The Gig is up

I think my coworkers are starting to become suspicious. They haven't said anything...yet, but their sideways glances in my direction are filled with a malicious curiosity. The first time it happened I think they just convinced themselves that they hadn't seen anything, or that there was some other reasonable explanation. Perhaps they thought that it was all in their heads. It wasn't, and gradually it became harder and harder to ignore.
The first few inquires were soft and polite. They'd ask if perhaps I'd hurt myself, or provide me with some other easy explanation to use as an escape. Which I did, every time. Eventually that tactic failed too as they began to realize that I invariably told them what they had told me without really explaining anything. Sure it might have been deceitful, dishonest even, but looking back did I really have a choice?
At last I think that my web of confusion has finally torn. They're watching me closer than ever, and little by little they're starting to realize that their first reaction was correct. Every time one of my gloves breaks or gets dirty as I'm preparing food I become the target of a half dozen curious eyes. Fortunately I've practiced and can now change out my large, non-sterile, food service grade latex gloves for new ones in under two seconds without showing more that a flash of skin. I see their frustration as I return to work with nothing revealed. Still my attempts to hide the truth are only making me more suspicious. Maybe it's time to stop wearing purple pizzazz nail polish to work.