Many Happy Returns

It's Valentine's Day again, folks, the holiday that brightens up the cold, gray, sleeting middle of February with roses and balloons and cards and pink teddy bears with magnetic kissy noses.

We intellectuals traditionally celebrate Valentine's day by being even more disgusted than usual by couples kissing in public, whining about how corporate America is bastardizing love, and generally hating the world. At first, this may seem like nothing more than an immature manifestation of the crippling envy we feel towards those whose lives are more than deep pits of loneliness and social anxiety, but that is not the case.

We actually do believe that we're (morally, spiritually, intellectually, and even physically, if we didn't have better things to do with our time than go to the gym) superior to public hand-holders, and we genuinely enjoy being bitter, so it's nice that Hallmark made a holiday for us.
Enjoy.